The Year of Kenz

Today is New Year's Eve of 2018. I was telling a friend that it was a hard year that could kiss my butt when they lovingly replied, "you say that every year."

I can't help it if my life is one eternal round of agony.

Nevertheless, this year wasn't what I would call a home run for me. My mental health rapidly declined and I made some really stupid decisions. Think of the stupidest thing you've ever done and multiply that by a thousand and that will equate the dumbness I caused myself and others this year. Is it already time to make an apology to Arie Jr.?

#NeverForget

I get it, everyone goes through hard times blah blah blah but this isn't a competition about whose life sucks more. 2018 was one of the top 3 worst years for Makenzie. It will not be in the highlight reel on my death bed, and I've already tried to forget most of it. But I am a BIG sucker for New Years resolutions. I freaking love making them, because creating my ideal life on paper is so easy. It's just the execution that is lacking. But after moving back in with my parents and some intense therapy sessions, I have come to several conclusions.

1. I have a built-in self destruct button I love to push when even the slightest inconvenience happens.
2. My happiness levels revolve around how well my romantic life is going at the time.
3. I absolutely suck at taking care of myself.

None of these were exactly news to me, but realizing that every one of my problems stems from one of these things was an eye opener. If I am only happy based upon how much attention another person is giving me, of course I am going to be sad most of the time. If my outer shell is made of marshmallow filling, of course I am going to be toppled over at the slightest push. And if I don't care about ME how am I supposed to care about anything else???

You guys know me as the boy-obsessed Tinderer girl. So I'm sure it's of no surprise to anyone that the same girl who blogged about all the boys that made her sad is blogging about her inevitable breakdown partially because of said boys. I haven't cumulated all of the hours, but I'm pretty sure I've spent approximately a gazillion hours stressing about the opposite sex. And I'm not blaming an entire gender for my problems. I just want to get to a healthy place with myself before I can even begin to think about anyone else. Therefore and verily, I have been challenged by my wonderful therapist to go without dating for a whole year.

wut

I can hear hoards of you saying "I haven't dated for years and I'm fine" and I'm going to ask you to shush. For me, this is a big deal. To commit to zero dates, zero canoodlings, zero anything semi-romantic for 365 days seems laughable. I am 27 years old and I feel like Jess in that episode of New Girl where she realizes her eggs are probably dying.

I am aware I still have plenty of time to have a family, but I can't help it if my baby box and the hardwired LDS culture ingrained in me is telling me otherwise. Not only am I dealing with those emotions but I had to leave my sweet kitty Lily with a friend in Utah temporarily because my family is deathly allergic. So now I feel like that one girl crying about cats in her dating profile video.

BUT on the positive side, with no cat or baby needing my attention, I have no excuses not to focus on myself. And thus why this year is going to be The Year of Kenz. I'm trying to petition the government to make a holiday out of it, still pending, I'll let you know. But this blog is going to be about my journey of self-improvement, light bulb dings, and of course how I deal with being truly alone and not worrying about what boy is going to come around the corner for once.

This doesn't mean I'm going to be anti-social, or bitter, or holding my breath until the year is over. This next year we gon' WORK. And by we I mean me and my 17 other personalities.

I will be posting weekly about my plights and I am reeeeeeally excited about it!!!!! Please send good vibes my way and if you don't hear from me it's because I got a whiff of cologne and have passed out in a nearby Macy's.

Cheers to the year of ME.